Construa seu caminho (para Português clique em PT no menu de opções)
Some time ago I stumbled upon an obscure bookshop tucked away among other small art and literature shops in Covent Garden. As I searched for an inspirational book that would give me confidence and ease my anxiety about the future, something else caught my attention... in a dark corner of the shop, a man with deep-set eyes offered readings of a different kind.
Sat at a little table overlooking Cecil Court, the guy introduced himself as a specialist in predictive astrology and tarot. I felt a little sceptical but volunteered to speak to him to try and get some answers. Would I be staying in England or was my life about to take a turn? The man said some true things about my past and the way I had been struggling to accept my current path, mentioning things to do with 'swans' and 'water' which I found bizarrely coincidental, since at the time I was performing Swan Lake with English National Ballet. But there was one thing he said which stuck to me to this day:
‘You need to let go of what is holding you back and what blocks you from getting what you want. You need to clear the waters. Why don't you try some meditation?'
I followed his advice and started practicing mindfulness, being in the present moment, not worrying too much about the future. I got in the habit of going for walks in the park when feeling stressed, sitting in silence for a few minutes in the morning, and writing on my journal before bed. I read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tole. As much as I could, I tried to clear any negative thoughts and connect to my inner self, and a few months later, I was absolutely stunned to be invited to join The Royal Ballet. What began as a three-month contract has now lasted ten years!
Ever since that moment, whenever I felt lost or uneasy, I knew that I should trust my instincts. I started believing even more in the right timing for things, in the energy we create and what we attract into our lives, in the fundamentals of being a good person. Trusting the Universe to guide us was my biggest lesson, for sometimes, the very thing that stops us from getting what we want is our own desiring. Sometimes all we need is to let go, which is nearly impossible, unless we find a new perspective.
I've always been "lucky" with the roles I'm dancing and said that my career was made of amazing, unexpected circumstances such as the one that occured last March, when I stepped in last minute to dance the lead part in MacMillan's Danses Concertantes when two principals fell injured. I found the performances extremely enjoyable despite having to learn it so quickly, and loved the music and style. Opportunities like this don't happen very often, and I have always made sure I was ready and grasped them eagerly.
Those are moments to be very grateful for. It is an honour and a privilege to be relied upon for something big, to be trusted to do amazing heritage works such as these. I wondered if this could have been the year when I finally got to enjoy having my own roles. I created high expectations for the new season, for things that perhaps would have been given not by chance or meer luck, but by merit.
"A comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there."
I believed for so long that when climbing up the high mountain, I would find a big pot of gold! That life would be easier, that it would lead to all my dreams coming true... but that was a little far-fetched and hasty of me. The new season began quietly and I struggled to find my ground, even questioned the purpose of me being here unable to dance the roles I had been so eager for, or even able to dance at all.
This is just my second year as a First Soloist and I already feel like my dancing has become so limited? Even the roles I thought I'd be suited for have slipped me by. Is it my fault? Am I good enough? How did I even get here?!!
Many a times in a dancer's career, especially in big companies, one feels out of control of destiny and at the mercy of artistic choice, or other factors at play. We don't pick what we want to dance, we can kindly suggest it and hope that a little seed is planted for the next time a ballet comes back into the repertoire. It is stressful not knowing what roles you will be given, and to think that every single dancer expects and deserves the same things, that one person's dream coming true could mean the collapse of someone else's life...
When a job requires so much passion, endurance, dedication, and also means giving up your family, putting other plans on hold, it does become your life. Quite frankly, it can so easily become an obsession. All you want is to know what's next and how you can keep progressing, to predict your next big moment... but the only thing predictable about life is its unpredictability.
The unexpected invite to dance Le Corsaire in Brazil came at the perfect time. It meant taking a short leave from the company (which wasn't part of the plan) which lead to me being at home for a while, with family and friends, reflecting on everything but focsuing on the present moment. It was just what I needed to reset priorities and to realise how far I had been obsessing about my career, and how much it had consumed me.
Seeing the hard work and commitment of dancers at Basileu Junior Company was unbeliveably inspiring. Their boldness, enjoyment of the craft, and sense of surrender not only gave me the motivation I needed to keep working and investing on myself, but also built my confidence back up and fulfilled me in so many ways. I realized that I was not only growing with the technical challenge, but also by sharing moments with these dancers and learning from their positive attitude and bravery.
During my time away, I was able to take private lessons with my mum, who was a dancer and for forty-five years has owned a school in Sao Paulo. My whole life I felt like I couldn’t appreciate her as a coach, I could not bear her correcting me in the studio because she always knew how to spot my vulnerabilities. Some days, it took all my strength to suppress the rage inside me when hearing her feedback on my performances (to be fair, she doesn't always pick the best moments to "help") but I finally grew up and opened my eyes to the fact that what I needed most was right under my nose: her trusted expertise, her guidance, and above all, her unconditional love and support.
Three weeks later, I felt technically stronger, more pulled up, letting go of old fears, prepared to tackle any challenge that came with performing four consecutive shows of a full-length ballet. Mum worked on my technique and artistry while coach Greice Kerche worked on building my stamina and strengthening the body and mind.
When you need constant reminding of how privileged you are to have such an amazing job, to work in a place where so many would give anything for, it points out to something not being quite right. Feeling unsupported and unappeciated is one thing, but feeling hopeless and worthless means it's time to do some work and rediscover your true value. Some things we do have control over such as what we draw our attention to, how we work, how much we are willing to give and fight for which is already a great skill to have.
Whenever I take control over my actions and thoughts and direct my own life, I feel so empowered. We can easily blame our unhappiness on others or bad circumnstances, but we have a choice everyday as to how we deal with a difficult situation and what direction we take. We are responsible for ourselves. There is always work that can be done to change our perception of things, to refocus and reset our values, which for sure will lead to us taking positive actions.
Nothing and no one can stand in the way of us creating our own path. It is up to us to let go of ideal scenarios and expectations, embrace any obstacles, work in good and bad weather, have an open mind to outcomes and follow our principles. My journey has always been about finding the inner strength to keep going, a willingness to grow and benefit from new experiences, which involves being brave and having the courage to admit any failures or mistakes.
It takes time and relentless work, but if you truly love something, you will always want to improve. And if you really want something, don’t give up. Believe in your gut feeling, that inner voice that keeps calling you back. Believe in your willingness to dedicate yourself, show up even if you feel tired or sick of it. Work on your thoughts, your mind, your spirit, and don't lose sight of the most important things: family, friendship, building connections, love, and the impact you can have on other people's lives.
“The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.” Mitch Album - Tuesdays with Morrie
I felt a little emotional reading this. Your bravery in facing your own doubts and insecurities, as well as actioned insight into how to turn things around, well, I can relate. That sounds big-headed! 🤣. What I mean is that I think I share a similar path in life , with the will to constantly improve my character and create a fulfilling life. I also hope to make others happy and fill their lives with love. At the end of the post I think you point to the same answers I have found- that our role in other’s lives, as friend, daughter, sister, etc. - this is what will always be most important, no matter what a great height we…